Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Relapse

I AM an addict. There are no two ways around it. My drug of choice isn't beer or wine. It's not heroin or crack. It's not cigarettes. It is food. Glorious food. Delicious, mouth-watering, make you drool flavors. And as someone who has been a past smoker and past excessive drinker (never touched narcotics) I can tell you in my own personal experience, the addiction to food is something that is MUCH harder to overcome.

I am sure some skinny bitch is sitting out there reading this thinking "Just put down the twinkie fatass!" and since I have never had a twinkie that is something that is easily accomplished. What I think people that haven't had weight-issues fail to understand (and likely don't care TO understand) is that the "food" itself isn't the whole issue. There is a mental/mind thing that also needs to be worked out to overcome this.

"Excuses! That's all you are doing is making excuses!" And while I can understand how someone on the outside looking in might see it that way I say to you, "Look around you." Most of us know someone - a friend, family member, or even yourself who has battled some type of addiction -cigarettes, booze, drugs, whatever. If you took that addict and MADE them have whatever it was they were addicted to, but in smaller quantities are they no longer an addict? How are they "kicking the habit" if they are still using? A smoker can quit smoking and live. An alcoholic can quit drinking and live. A drug addict can quit smoking/snorting/shooting up and live. A food addict.........well, that doesn't quite work so well. We "quit" our addiction and we don't live. Failure to eat results in this pesky little thing called death. A food addict has to learn to manage their addiction and let me tell you, it is no easy feat.

The last few weeks have been a huge struggle for me. I don't know why. I don't know what has changed in my mind that has allowed me to relinquish the control I had when I began WW in January, but I have definitely not been where I need to be mentally. As a result, the long-anticipated weight gain reared its ugly head last night at weigh-in. All-in-all, the gain was nothing, only 1/2 a pound but it isn't so much the number as it is the meaning behind it. Why, when I have been waiting for a gain the last few weeks, have I not been able to mentally refocus myself and get back on track before the anticipation of a gain became the reality of one? If I couldn't kick my ass back in line before, can I now? All this time I thought my greatest fear was creepy crawlie things, but could my greatest fear be success?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Very thoughtful. For us who have been battling weight for so so long.... its kinda scary to step out of our comfort zones. And damnit food IS comfortable. Its what we know!I guess the idea is to change our thought pattern from anticipating weight gain to anticipating weightloss and a healthier and happier us. So that the gain really doesnt stand a fighting chance. In anticipation we give it an opportunity to come up... and well thats what we are working so hard to avoid, so why should we leave that door open? I have been battling weight my entire 29 years of life minus baby years... so now I want to do all I can to anticipate success....cause failure is no longer an option for me.
I'm here supporting you hun... we CAN do this!!!!